How To Repurpose A Fruitcake

Posted: February 15th, 2010 | Author: Dr. Bill | No Comments »

In my snail mail today was a letter from a fruitcake company in Texas that sells about 4 million fruitcakes a year. Usually, I remember getting this letter later in the year, but I could be wrong. I know that they sell 4 million units, because I saw a television show about the company, a couple of years back. 

The family bought the business, against all advice and declining sales for fruitcake. If I remember correctly, the business was moving about 600,000 units, when they bought it. The one thing in their favor was that it didn’t cost them much.

The family hired a copywriter, who wrote a new ad for the fruitcake and they mailed it out. They doubled the sales the first year, then doubled them again and sales are still rising. The fruitcake hasn’t changed one iota in over 80 years. The recipe is still exactly the same, but the new ad made the family a sweet chunk of change.

I tasted a fruitcake about 40 years ago and it was god awful. I’ve never had another piece. I would receive a fruitcake, or two, every year as a gift when I practiced surgery. I dutifully wrote a thank you note… and then tossed the fruitcake.

Here are some ideas on how to use a fruitcake, if you’re lucky enough to get one.

1)   Use the fruitcake as a doorstop.

2)   Use the fruitcake to prevent your car from rolling.

3)   Use the fruitcake as a dumbbell.

4)   Use the fruitcake in a carnival game.

5)   Use it as bookends.

6)   Turn it into an art piece.

7)   Use it as compost. (This may take several years.)

There. I hope I’ve performed a small, selfless act of public service.

The warehouse received another shipment of MegaRex this afternoon and already, half of that order is spoken for. I’ll be reordering again in the morning. Just in case you’ve been away, MegaRex is my new sexual enhancement formula, which we launched just about two weeks ago. The first order was gone before we could blink and the orders are still coming in.

MegaRex is an all natural alternative to Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, who are with us every night, starting at about 9 PM EST, if you watch any television. The commercials have folks singing, dancing and sitting in separate bathtubs, while the sun sets in the middle of a cornfield (I never have figured that out).

The singing and dancing, yes, except for those guys singing and dancing by themselves, at 1 AM in the morning. But the separate bathtub thing is a mystery. Even the best hotels I have stayed at over the years only have one bathtub. Maybe it’s the 2009 version of Ward and June Cleaver’s separate beds (that’s my theory).

Anyway, with my MegaRex formula, there’s no danger of running to the hospital with a Woody that’s lasted for four hours. Or of having heart palpitations, or sudden blindness (we all know where THAT comes from.)

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